I, like most people, have asked the age old question of
WHY AM I HERE!
And like most people I never got a clear answer.
And like many people I wanted my life to have a BIG impact on the world.
I wanted to do something amazing.
I wanted to do something that would bring joy and lasting memories to many people.
I wanted to be a world class dancer - well you have to be graceful to do that.
I wanted to be an award winning singer who could influence people for God with my amazing voice and powerful witness. Well, for that you need an amazing voice.
So I struggled. I questioned God.
I wanted to know why I was bullied as child, dramatically reducing my self-confidence to meet people.
I wanted to know why I had a music teacher that dashed my self-esteem as a teen.
I wanted to know why I was so irritated by so many little things that other people could just blow off. This would make my life a living hell at times because I would feel like my senses were hyper acute and I could not get away from the noise and other sensations.
I wanted to know why I could not conceive and bear a child. I wanted to know why I was so defective that I could not even pass on the love and faith that were the very center of the life I shared with my husband.
Then one day a child was born in a far away land. I had no idea this child even existed. I did not know the woman who gave birth to this new little person. I did not know the father who co-created this precious bundle of humanity.
But I did get to know this child. I became this child's mom. Not through anything that I did. Not because I was more special than the parents whose genes made up the child who lives in my house. I had been created from the moment I was conceived in my mother's womb, to be the parent this child would need to cope with the loss of first family and first country. I am the parent this child would need to handle the rejection and racism that still exists in our country. I am the parent this child would need to cope with sensory challenges.
I am not anything special to the world at large. I am not greater than anyone else. I am not going to set the world on fire with my talents. But I am created for something great. I am created to be what this one little person needs to grow, to heal, to thrive, and to come to know God's unconditional love.
You see, this child was not made to fill the hole in in my life. I was made to fill the hole in this child's. Both of us had broken pieces in our lives. The brokenness that happened half a world away was in no way the fault of the child I now call my own. The brokenness was made through choices of other people that were made before I ever thought of adoption. The brokenness in me was the result of the decisions of others and to some extent myself. But God knew that the brokenness in my life would fill the empty spaces left in the shattered life of a tiny child from a far away place. The only thing I did was to open myself up to allow God to work. He did not heal me the way I asked to be healed. He healed me the way I needed to be healed to do His work - to show unconditional love. And through the giving, I have received more love than I could ever imagine. I have been healed in places that I did not even know I was broken. And I have become more than I ever dreamed I could be.
This miracle occurred in His time, according to His plan. And for that I am eternally grateful. And because of that I have learned the meaning of my life, and that I now have the greatest name in my small, but very meaningful life.....
Happy Birthday, Little Bear. I love you so much....